Soul in the Shadows: September 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
「 The Soul Has Spoken. 8:06 AM 」
It actually has been quite some time since i blogged alreadi,no?

exams are over...but is everything over alreadi?no,i fear not. When the promos are over,it is usually ok to chill and juz let out the cramps in ur mind. No,i tink not too....tis seems to b an intermediate stage between 2 major battles(promos and A levels)...when the promos are over,yay,can play....nop...it is wrong...there is still project work to work out. there is still chinese A levels tat we nid to put in work...resulting in?cramps in the head...

sometimes,i do wonder how i am gonna survive after i finish skooling?be a research scientist?my ass...how many ppl out there hv more talent and opportunities den me?all these questions hv been there for so long...however,to tink bout it,shud i juz end it all wif a great bang on the concrete floor?hell no...y am i gonna waste my life on such trivial matters?i rather give it so tat ppl benefits(as in,truely)...tis way of death,even the old sweeper will b cursing when he scrape my body up the floor...hmmm

after taking out the option of death,there is onli 1 option left..To live.now lets tink,live?wat kinda life?of course i wouldn live on harming ppl...so tat leaves the option of helping ppl rite?help ppl,help hu?of course those tat deserves or nids help...heck it,i wouldn help ppl like some teacher i knew back in the secondary skool...he can rot in hell for all i care...

im juz totally random here...cos i feel rather messed up right now...after promos,tell?yes,no?i did say i wouldn go bak my words,tat i shud see wat will happen if i tell,be it consequences tat may harm myself greatly...now,to tink of it,did i realli like some1 tat seems to be miles up from me?tat i cant realli understand due to the fact tat she doesnt feel comfortable around me?now now,i do make it sound like her fault,however,it is not...mayb im paranoid,mayb im hypocritical,mayb im cynical,but,mayb she juz is not borned for some lowdown crap like me?i wonder

tats bout the crap i hv in my head tat i put onto the blog...mayb ill try to 4get them and juz get on wif life...after all,extract from 'vainity of vanities':
Never be captivated by anyone
Live your live your way, just as you are


Thursday, September 07, 2006
「 The Soul Has Spoken. 8:00 PM 」
hmmm recently bx pointed out tat i hv been more unstable laterly...i was surprised by his gut feelings...i do indeed hv several period of low sanity...i wonder if it is my inapt at coping with the worklife here,or is just the intermediate period where i grow from a kid to an adult...but it has been proven time and time again tat,i have changed...changed from the good to bad and the bad to good

after the 2nd intake,i hv been changing more towards the bad side...i fail to concentrate,i fail to stay focused on work..i failed to be able to stay still and calm down...i dunno wat might be the catalyst of tis change,but the results still remains. i have changed for the worst.

since the first intake,i hv actually opened up. more outgoing,more laughter than u see when im in sec 3-4...i can attribute tis to my 1t17 classmates...at least they made me see,there are ppl tat are worth smiling for,ppl tat does not deserve a cold block of ice...tat might b a gd thing after all...when i came to 1t30,it remains more or less the same..i find flaws in every1,including me..but i hv nth to complain about...after all,nature is flawed itself. i tolerate,anything tat i would hv flared up and could keep it down,i suppressed it...after all,i do not get angry unless the person i love is harmed in any way...

in a sense,i still remain as i am actually..i have not changed my way of treating ppl...hakkai to friends,sanzo to others...i am still able to eye-read everything except affairs of the heart.i am still able to maintain my stand when need be.i still keep my promises to others.i still treat men like men,treat gals like gals.these hv,and will always remain constant in me.
however,there are also changes which i dunno if it is good or bad...recently,in the interact mongol kid incident,i stood up to go against a ruling tat i deemed to be inperfect. so many were against us,30+ to 4.like my secondary 4 days,i stood my stand,and took the damage,insults and attempted humiliation of the seniors and club-mates.i would hv thrown everything down,washed my hands from it and juz step aside.but y do i still stand in the battlefield,where i know not 1 of the enemy would even listen?is tis foolishness on my part,or is tis not me?aftermath of the incident allowed words,specifically backstabbing knifes,to be thrown at us by the seniors. i wouldn expect them to be silent,but i didnt expect them to use the J2s against us.tis is juz 1 of the changes i dunno if it is gd or bad.

another change which i am not able to understand myself is the reduced tolerance against irritants.some dirtbags,some ppl hu may not know if they are irritating,some hu juz despises me,treat me like not even a worm.i used to b able to immunize against them.but nowadays,i juz cant seem to feel like letting them go...given a pistol,i would shoot them down in the face 1 by 1,and take pleasure by doing so.i wonder....would tat b gd?

overall,i still am 1 tat ppl can approach shud they wish to to confine anything wif me,to allow them to release watever pressure they hv on me...and me?ill juz give it to the wall whenever i feel like...after all,walls are meant to withstand pressure.

tats about all i guess...i can just wish for all i can wish for,give watever i have so tat others may benefit from it,and receive wat i deserve.


Sunday, September 03, 2006
「 The Soul Has Spoken. 7:09 AM 」
lolz look at the archive...i muz admit,the cj guy is gd at the yoyo...but check tis out!i do wonder if he spend 24/7 playing yoyo,mayb even yoyoing during sleep...


Friday, September 01, 2006
「 The Soul Has Spoken. 8:41 AM 」
not too bad a day...bright and sunny,gd for a sentoso outing...went to celebrate denise's birthday in sentosa...go for a dip in the sea and stuff,dinner,bx,joan and i went play pool at safra...so summarized...but writing long for a day is juz not my type...

during the dip in the sea,i experienced near-death situation...i almost drowned...hahaz wanted to swim to the other shore,which was actually not far...however,when i was halfway in the middle,i suddenly lost the strength to go forward...i dunno y,but every kick forward does not propel me,but instead i sank...and trapping water does not work for me either...i still sank..den the lifeguard nids to swim towards me to get me outta water...aiz,so paiseh,but tat is not the main point here...the main point is,i am weaker den the weak me...i dunno if it is my deteriorating heart or wat,but entering an environment tat i am not familiar wif,i guess i cant survive...

after the episode,when bx and joan left,i sat down and tot...y did i,at tat instant,want to live on instead of juz letting myself go?the answer is,life,no matter how lousy,is still worth living...it was my instinct to survive,to fight tat i struggled...at the instant where i was in the water,when i lost the strength,ur image actually flashed in my mind...the fact tat i still want to see u,the fact tat i still find my life of value,the fact tat i would not die in such a useless fashion to mankind,made me wanna live on...tis is all it is about...strangely,i hv no phobia of swimming,nor am i afraid to go bak for another try in the water...but,i juz nid to relearn my swimming skills and retrain my strength...i dun wanna be a total weakling in the waters...

sunburnt and learnt my lesson,i tink tat today wasnt too bad a day...however,at intervals where i had time to relax and look around,like say,in the waters,i still miss u...yupyupz...

--------A loser stamp on my forehead--------