Soul in the Shadows
Thursday, September 07, 2006
「 The Soul Has Spoken. 8:00 PM 」
hmmm recently bx pointed out tat i hv been more unstable laterly...i was surprised by his gut feelings...i do indeed hv several period of low sanity...i wonder if it is my inapt at coping with the worklife here,or is just the intermediate period where i grow from a kid to an adult...but it has been proven time and time again tat,i have changed...changed from the good to bad and the bad to good

after the 2nd intake,i hv been changing more towards the bad side...i fail to concentrate,i fail to stay focused on work..i failed to be able to stay still and calm down...i dunno wat might be the catalyst of tis change,but the results still remains. i have changed for the worst.

since the first intake,i hv actually opened up. more outgoing,more laughter than u see when im in sec 3-4...i can attribute tis to my 1t17 classmates...at least they made me see,there are ppl tat are worth smiling for,ppl tat does not deserve a cold block of ice...tat might b a gd thing after all...when i came to 1t30,it remains more or less the same..i find flaws in every1,including me..but i hv nth to complain about...after all,nature is flawed itself. i tolerate,anything tat i would hv flared up and could keep it down,i suppressed it...after all,i do not get angry unless the person i love is harmed in any way...

in a sense,i still remain as i am actually..i have not changed my way of treating ppl...hakkai to friends,sanzo to others...i am still able to eye-read everything except affairs of the heart.i am still able to maintain my stand when need be.i still keep my promises to others.i still treat men like men,treat gals like gals.these hv,and will always remain constant in me.
however,there are also changes which i dunno if it is good or bad...recently,in the interact mongol kid incident,i stood up to go against a ruling tat i deemed to be inperfect. so many were against us,30+ to 4.like my secondary 4 days,i stood my stand,and took the damage,insults and attempted humiliation of the seniors and club-mates.i would hv thrown everything down,washed my hands from it and juz step aside.but y do i still stand in the battlefield,where i know not 1 of the enemy would even listen?is tis foolishness on my part,or is tis not me?aftermath of the incident allowed words,specifically backstabbing knifes,to be thrown at us by the seniors. i wouldn expect them to be silent,but i didnt expect them to use the J2s against us.tis is juz 1 of the changes i dunno if it is gd or bad.

another change which i am not able to understand myself is the reduced tolerance against irritants.some dirtbags,some ppl hu may not know if they are irritating,some hu juz despises me,treat me like not even a worm.i used to b able to immunize against them.but nowadays,i juz cant seem to feel like letting them go...given a pistol,i would shoot them down in the face 1 by 1,and take pleasure by doing so.i wonder....would tat b gd?

overall,i still am 1 tat ppl can approach shud they wish to to confine anything wif me,to allow them to release watever pressure they hv on me...and me?ill juz give it to the wall whenever i feel like...after all,walls are meant to withstand pressure.

tats about all i guess...i can just wish for all i can wish for,give watever i have so tat others may benefit from it,and receive wat i deserve.